


i'm not alone anymore

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: (just what nagito canotically experienced), (plus one other thing), Astrology, Author Doesn't Know Japanese Geography, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Literally Google Can't Even Save Me, M/M, Panic Attacks, Recovery, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Texting, references to trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:06:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24057196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: 1:42 AM - helloHe keeps his eyes shut for so long, almost trying to submerge himself in the sounds of water tapping his roof and the scent of white tea and rain drops, that he nearly misses the message when it comes.1:44 AM - Unknown Number - Wrong number(or, nagito komaeda texts a random number for company, and a stranger named hajime hinata replies.)
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 54
Kudos: 433
Collections: April 2020 Server Gift Exchange, Quality Fics





	i'm not alone anymore

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Erisazalea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erisazalea/gifts).



He thinks the night sky is meant to be shared.

It’s a stupidly pointless thought, in retrospect. The night sky  _ is  _ shared-- it always has been-- and countless people lay awake to admire its beauty. Nobody has ever lived a day without seeing the mesmerizing imprint of bright stars against the noir sky. It’s a sight a lot of people find comfort in, and Nagito Komaeda is no exception.

Regardless, he still feels the sky is far, far too lonely. 

(Or maybe that’s projection, like the ones used to simulate stars against a blank canvas. He used to love those as a kid, fascinated in all the constellations he could find. Now, he doesn’t think anything trying so desperately to replicate a phenomena in nature could ever impress him.)

He himself is a lonelier sight, though, even if he’s infinitesimal under the gaze of the stars. He’s currently sitting on his balcony, dangling his legs off the edge as he traces patterns in the sky. Resting at his side is his phone and a bottle filled with tea. He’s perfectly at peace, despite the fact that he is freezing, 

but there is something tragic about the fact that he’s awake at 1 AM with nobody to keep him company.

Ever since he was a child, he faced the cruel reality of luck-- love and loss, love and loss. He graduated from a prestigious college with the patronizing scholarship that congratulated him for suffering at the hands of a force he has no conscious control over. His deceased family and fortunate experiences have left him rich, hence why he has the privilege to live in such a beautiful penthouse.

However, he feels as though balconies, much like starry skies, should be shared.

Even if he longs for company, it isn’t something he needs. He’s fine on his own (even on the sleepless, hard nights) because he has to be, and he still lives a fairly enjoyable life even without friends. He has to. Even if sometimes he feels… trapped, as if his life is meant to be endless and ritualistic with nothing but the unwavering galaxy to await excitedly.

He dismisses those thoughts immediately though. He picks up his tea to sip on it and glances at his phone. No new messages. Nothing exciting.

_ I’m fine,  _ he finally settles, disliking the settling feeling of cognitive dissonance.  _ This is fine. _

The stars really are beautiful. He remembers studying mythology in university, falling in love with the concept of a pantheon of gods. He doesn’t believe in it, of course-- he doesn’t believe in much of anything. Still, he recalls the names of gods viewed as insignificant, minor and yet as magnificent as Zeus. Hecate, Hestia, Helios-- he wonders, foolishly, if any of them have control over the universe.

(He likes the letter ‘H’. It’s a simple and likely stupid sentiment, but it reminds him of hearths and hyacinth. Safety. Security. Maybe that’s why he’s never been close to someone with an ‘H’ in their name.

Though, he’s never been close to anyone at all,

and the cycle begins.)

For uncertain reasons, the loneliness is beginning to get suffocating. Nagito sighs, not surprised by the development, and he tucks his knees to his chest. He can wait out the storm of melancholia as he does most days, and if he’s lucky, he may be able to fall asleep before the sun rises. Although, seeing the sunrise  _ is  _ a beautiful sight, so he leaves it up to the world.

(Tyche. Greek god of luck. 

He talks to her sometimes when he feels nobody will listen.)

Sipping his tea again, he fantasizes about a life he will never have. A life where his home is ringing with the sound of mirth and happiness, a life where someone else can make him tea. They would sit outside and watch the stars appear, hands intertwined as they talk for hours. They would listen to what he has to say, laugh at his pathetic jokes and hold him when he cries.

It’s a life he’ll never have,

but he only wants it more.

He doesn’t know when the breaking point is-- there’s a different one every night, and he usually closes the balcony door and falls asleep to escape it-- but he feels something shift in him when the rain begins to fall.

It’s different. The feeling inside him (consuming him in a pulsing, desperate action) isn’t one he remembers, and his feet do not move to walk inside to warmth. Instead, he picks up his phone, the water not able to damage it due to the roof lingering above his head, and he goes to his messages.

He has four contacts, and two of them are the miscellaneous numbers of his data provider. 

When he clicks the  _ New Message  _ button, he feels his fingers begin to shake. It’s a risky, idiotic decision, but he puts his faith in his luck. When he finishes typing out the message, erasing and retyping it innumerable times, he finally closes his eyes and sends it.

_ 1:42 AM -  _ hello

He keeps his eyes shut for so long, almost trying to submerge himself in the sounds of water tapping his roof and the scent of white tea and rain drops, that he nearly misses the message when it comes.

_ 1:44 AM - Unknown Number -  _ Wrong number

He lets out a breath.

\--

_ 1:45 AM -  _ no

_ 1:45 AM -  _ well, yes

_ 1:45 AM -  _ but that’s the point

_ 1:46 AM - Unknown Number -  _ Okay, who are you

_ 1:47 AM - Unknown Number -  _ And why are you texting me

_ 1:49 AM -  _ i’m a pathetic, lonely person who texted a random number to have company

_ 1:50 AM -  _ that’s all

_ 1:52 AM - Unknown Number -  _ Alright

_ 1:52 AM - Unknown Number -  _ Can you tell me your name

_ 1:53 AM -  _ nagito komaeda

_ 1:54 AM - Unknown Number -  _ Nice to meet you Nagito

_ 1:54 AM - Unknown Number -  _ My name is Hajime Hinata

\--

Hajime Hinata. A common name, but a pleasant, warm one. It’s safe. It reminds Nagito of hearths, safety, security. 

Maybe that means he’s lucky.

(Although, that just means that some horrible tragedy will take Hajime away too, which wouldn’t surprise Nagito, but he does have an idiotic attachment to someone he’s just met.)

He startles from his thoughts when he sees another text come in.

_ 2:00 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ So

_ 2:00 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ What now

_ 2:00 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ This was probably a bad idea you might kill me 

_ 2:00 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Fuck it

_ 2:00 AM -  _ tell me about yourself??

_ 2:01 AM -  _ if you want to!!

_ 2:01 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I’d actually be more comfortable if you tell me about yourself first

_ 2:02 AM -  _ oh! okay

_ 2:03 AM -  _ i’m not very interesting haha

_ 2:03 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I mean you texted a random number

_ 2:03 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ To make a friend

_ 2:04 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I could be, like, a serial killer? 

_ 2:04 AM -  _ i’ve dealt with one of those before i’d be fine

_ 2:05 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ What

_ 2:05 AM -  _ sadlkfjasdl nothing

_ 2:06 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ So you’re already a lot more interesting than I thought

Nagito doesn’t remember the last time he’s blushed. It might have been when someone asked him if he was okay when he accidentally got hit by a car. That was a while ago, though, so it’s been a long, long time. 

He’s happy. To have company, to be flustered, to be talking to someone for once.

(What bad luck will follow this?)

_ 2:07 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ So what else

_ 2:07 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ We’ve established that you’ve met a serial killer before

_ 2:07 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I’m not sure I even want to know the story behind that

_ 2:08 AM -  _ it’s a pretty bland story, eheh

_ 2:08 AM -  _ i was kidnapped while on my way to a park, i got held for ransom, nobody paid it but the killer let me go

_ 2:08 AM -  _ so i got myself out of there and found a winning lottery ticket on my way back to my house

_ 2:09 AM -  _ not that exciting haha

_ 2:10 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Dude

_ 2:10 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ You’re telling me getting kidnapped and winning the lottery subsequently is boring?

_ 2:10 AM -  _ more interesting things in my life have happened

_ 2:11 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Such as

_ 2:13 AM -  _ being the sole surviving member of a plane crash because the hijacker got killed by the meteor before they could kill me, but alas my parents and all the other passengers got hurt by the meteor as well

_ 2:16 AM -  _ Hajime?

_ 2:17 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ You know, I was kind of assuming that you were like

_ 2:17 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Lying

_ 2:17 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ But I don’t think any human being could come up with that

_ 2:18 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ So

_ 2:18 AM -  _ i wish i was lying ahaha but if you need more evidence

_ 2:18 AM -  _ my parents’ maid was really mean to me, which i deserved adlskfjalds, but then a hitman came to kill her and subsequently adopted me before he died of a heart attack around ten days later and i was left an orphan again

_ 2:22 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Uh

_ 2:23 AM -  _ oh, was that too weird? i’m sorry!!

_ 2:23 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I mean it’s fine but

_ 2:24 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Are you alright

_ 2:25 AM -  _ i’m doing pretty okay right now!! it’s so kind of you to ask asldkfjas how are you??

_ 2:26 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I mean I meant in general but nevermind

_ 2:26 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I’m good

_ 2:27 AM -  _ yay ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ

_ 2:28 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I like the emoticon

_ 2:29 AM -  _ aldsjflasd thank you (✿◠‿◠) 

_ 2:31 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Well I have to sleep now

_ 2:31 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Do you not have work tomorrow or something

_ 2:31 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Oh fuck what if I’m talking to like a 12 year old

_ 2:31 AM -  _ i’m twenty two

_ 2:31 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Oh thank God, me too

_ 2:32 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Well twenty three but whatever same thing

_ 2:32 AM -  _ oh okay!! and i don’t have a job 

_ 2:32 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Did the employer die or something

_ 2:33 AM -  _ no but i set the last place i worked on fire accidentally and gave him second degree burns so i quit

_ 2:33 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Oh

_ 2:33 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Well. Goodnight then, I guess. Talk to you tmrw

_ 2:33 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I mean if you’re still lonely by then

_ 2:34 AM -  _ probably !!! goodnight Hajime (*＾▽＾)／

_ 2:35 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Gn

A conversation! A full conversation with another human being!

Nagito sets his phone down when he assumes Hajime has gone to sleep and proceeds to scream into his sheets. This is the first conversation he’s  _ actually  _ had with someone since graduation! He’s ecstatic! Of course, something could go horribly wrong, and Nagito is probably going to end up lonelier than he was initially, but he’s talked to someone who actually seems to have interest in continuing to talk to him.

He’s not tired at all, in fact, he has more energy than he usually does. But if he sleeps now, maybe he’ll be able to talk to Hajime before he goes to work! Maybe they can talk on his lunch break, maybe they can meet (they both have Japanese names, after all) and maybe Hajime can move in and the two of them can fall in love and-

_ Why are you such a goddamn creep? _

He feels the excitement in him, flowing through his body like ambrosia, slowly taint to something darker.

_ He probably doesn’t even like you. _

He sets his tea beside him, snuggling underneath the sheets and pressing his face against a pillow. He has hope they will talk again, but…

… what if they don’t?

_ Stop it stop it stop it stop it- _

He finds it a lot harder to sleep that night,

because it’s always harder when you want to escape

(only to wake up to something you want.)

\--

A night free from nightmares.

Nagito wakes up with a smile, turning on the light beside him and grabbing his phone. He figures the good luck of waking up happy is probably going to be countervailed when he turns the device on (though, the gloomy weather outside may have evened things out).

He takes a deep breath and opens his phone, his eyes lighting up when he sees:

_ 7:36 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Good morning

_ 7:36 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I have work today but I get off at 4

Nagito checks the clock. It’s already noon. He only has four hours to wait!

He turns his phone off and makes his bed, opening his curtains before closing them at the sight of the cloudy, miserable weather. He likes miserable weather— they welcome existential thoughts with open arms— but it means the night sky won’t be as starry.

He sighs and hops into the shower, trying to be quick to avoid having to look at his body much. He starts singing a song he remembers hearing on the radio, but he ends up finding his voice too grating to listen to. He wonders if Hajime would like it. 

He wonders a lot of things about Hajime, actually.

What does he look like? He’s probably very attractive, but does he have brown hair? Black hair? Are his hands warm or cold, large or small, calloused or soft? Does he like hugs? Is his voice a tenor or a baritone? Does he have a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Datemate? Does he like his workplace? Where did he go to school? Would he be interested in someone like N-

Nagito shuts off the shower. He’s so disgusting, irritating, and horrible for even presuming Hajime would want to date someone like him.

(They just met, they  _ just met,  _ why does Nagito already-)

He dresses himself in sweatpants and an oversized sweater, leaving his hair loose and fluffy. The bed looks cozy and comforting, but he maintains his routine by brushing his teeth, throwing together a minimal breakfast, and brushing his teeth again. Only then does he allow himself to settle into bed with a mystery novel. He’s already figured out most of the case’s details, but he enjoys the six hundred pages of masterful writing.

Beside him, he charges his phone, an alarm set for four o’clock.

The hour comes too quickly, the book nearly done when the horrible ringing noise alerts Nagito. He puts in a bookmark and rests his head against the headboard, opening up his messages.

_ 4:00 PM -  _ hi!!

He waits for a reply, tapping his fingers restlessly and kicking his feet up as he anticipates the text tone. When Hajime doesn’t reply in the first minute, he begins wondering if Hajime even wants to talk to him.

_ It’s been a minute. You’re beyond clingy and insufferable. _

Nagito readily agrees with himself. 

He wouldn’t be surprised if Hajime did ignore him, though. He isn’t good company and he probably scared him off during their first conversation, because who would say such heavy things to a stranger? God, he’s  _ tactless,  _ has he never seen any movie before, does he not know how people interact, does he not-

When the text comes five minutes later, his negative thoughts come to an abrupt halt and he smiles. 

_ 4:07 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Damn you texted at exactly 4

_ 4:07 PM -  _ i was excited to see you!!

_ 4:08 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ That’s actually really sweet 

Sweet? 

Hajime… thinks he’s sweet?

He’s so horribly misinformed, but Nagito is selfishly giddy at his mistake.

_ 4:08 PM -  _ asjhfykkj thanks

_ 4:09 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ No problem. Hru 

_ 4:09 PM -  _ good now that i’m talking to you!!! you?

_ 4:10 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Tired after work but good

_ 4:10 PM -  _ i’m sorry :c where do you work?

_ 4:10 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Library

_ 4:11 PM -  _ i love libraries

_ 4:11 PM -  _ they're one of the only places i feel at ease 

_ 4:11 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Well maybe I’ll see you sometime

_ 4:12 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ If we live in the same area. Or know what we both look like

_ 4:12 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ But you probably shouldn’t tell a stranger where you live lol

_ 4:13 PM -  _ i’m in japan and i have white hair and green-grey eyes. i’m such an eyesore it’s hard to miss haha

_ 4:13 PM -  _ oh sorry! i trust you though so it’s okay :D

_ 4:13 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ You don’t know me how do you trust me

_ 4:13 PM -  _ you’re nice to me!!

_ 4:14 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Is that all you need to trust someone?

_ 4:14 PM -  _ mhm!

_ 4:14 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Jesus 

_ 4:16 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ If you were wondering, I also live in Japan and I have brown hair and green eyes 

_ 4:17 PM -  _ you sound very attractive hajime!!!

_ 4:20 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Thanks? 

_ 4:21 PM -  _ did i make you uncomfortable? i’m so sorry please don’t hate me

_ 4:21 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Chill. It’s fine. It just took me off guard. Also why would I hate you

_ 4:21 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Nevermind I don’t want the deep answer I’ll probably get to that

Why is Nagito so desperate for him to stay when he knows luck will take him away?

_ 4:22 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Do you have a pet

_ 4:22 PM -  _ no

_ 4:22 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Neither do I

_ 4:23 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ My roommate wants to get a cat but she already acts enough like one

_ 4:23 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ So I’d probably go insane

_ 4:24 PM -  _ i see

_ 4:24 PM -  _ what’s your roommate like

_ 4:25 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ She’s sleepy 90% of the time but she’s really nice. Plays video games too much

_ 4:25 PM -  _ oh!!! she sounds nice!!!

_ 4:25 PM -  _ i’ve never played a video game before ahaha

_ 4:25 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Damn really

_ 4:26 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ They’re fun

_ 4:26 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ You seem like you would like Animal Crossing

_ 4:26 PM -  _ i’ve never heard of it but i trust you!!

_ 4:27 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ It’s like these animal villagers who help you fish and trade and do generally wholesome things. It’s soft and cute

_ 4:27 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ And you kind of are too

_ 4:27 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ So

Hajime thinks he’s cute? And soft? He smiles to himself, his cheeks hurting as he stares at the ceiling. Hajime doesn’t know the kind of person he is… and yet, he  _ wants  _ to believe him, no matter how selfish that is. 

_ 4:29 PM -  _ alsdkjfals thank you!!

_ 4:29 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Yw

_ 4:31 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Hey sorry I gotta go eat dinner

_ 4:31 PM -  _ okay!!

_ 4:31 PM -  _ thank you for talking to me! ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

_ 4:32 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ No problem. Ttyl

_ 4:32 PM -  _ bye bye!! stay safe!!

Nagito wouldn’t be surprised that if, after such good luck, Hajime ends up dying. 

He doesn’t want that to happen. He’s the first person who’s  _ wanted  _ to keep talking to him despite everything. He doesn’t want to lose him or disappoint him. He  _ can’t,  _ not after knowing what it’s like to  _ have _ someone again.

(Is he already falling in love with him?)

He distracts himself by googling Animal Crossing, looking into the characters. His favorites so far are Flick (he likes the way he talks!) and Lucky (for obvious reasons). He can see why Hajime would think he’d like it. It’s not very dark, it’s light and… happy. It’s almost unsettling in that way, but he thinks it may be calming. Plus, if Hajime seems to like it, then that means it’s good. 

But what if they have different taste? What if he doesn’t like the game and Hajime does, and then he decides they shouldn’t keep talking because they’re too different and- no, Nagito has to like the game. He needs to, he-

_ Why are you thinking so deeply about video games? _

He sighs. Maybe he should make himself dinner. 

He gets himself out of bed, making his way to the kitchen. By the time he’s finished making himself ramen (and successfully avoiding setting the room on fire), his phone buzzes with a notification. The food lays unforgotten as he sits in one of the stiff chairs, talking to Hajime for another hour.

\--

A week later, he gets a call from the landlord, terrified to actually see her but trying to work up the courage to stop postponing the visit. He says she can come by in a few hours to inspect, and he’s left with lingering anxiety when she hangs up. He spends his day walking around his place, cleaning dust off of everything and hiding the prescription pill bottles deep in his cabinets. He can’t sit down for a single second, but then he gets a quick text,

_ 2:45 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Hey Nagito do you know what The Red Ibis is

and he feels a little bit calmer, with someone else there.

Events like this keep happening. He finally works up the courage to order food, and he accepts the pizza with shaky hands. He feels nauseous from lingering panic, but he manages to strike up a conversation with Hajime, and slowly, he calms down enough to eat. 

He’s been texted before, too, when Hajime is stressed from work, and they talk for hours about meaningless things until he feels better. It becomes a constant, supporting each other, and he wonders if this is how friends are meant to be.

He wouldn’t exactly know. This is the first time he’s ever had a friend, and even then he worries, but-

_ 5:49 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Do you know anything about octagons

_ 5:49 PM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I really couldn’t explain the context if I tried

Hajime’s always there.

\--

Life goes by quicker with a friend, Nagito discovers.

For years, it felt like every day was a drag, heaving himself through repetitive, gloomy days and doing all the bare essentials to survive. He’d fill his days with things that don’t matter, re-reading books and trying to teach himself to pick up menial hobbies (he hit a block with writing and art nearly immediately, he always poked himself with needles while sewing, he wasn’t able to play chess without another person). Every day was so,  _ so  _ sad,

and they still  _ are _ , because that’s how it is.

But they do go by faster with a friend.

He has something to look forward to, even if the two of them don’t talk every waking moment. He can re-read chat logs and giggle at their random conversations if he’s ever missing him. Neither of them have proposed the idea of calling each other, but he can spend his time thinking about what the other  _ would  _ sound like.

And soon, a month has passed at the rate of a single slow day.

Nagito doesn’t know how to thank the other, how he could ever tell him how much he’s  _ helped.  _ He no longer has to look at the stars to feel calm. He can just text the other and get a response in maximum an hour. 

It doesn’t take very long for Nagito to realize, atop it all,

that he’s falling in love with Hajime.

He doesn’t even know what he looks like or what he sounds like, but he  _ loves  _ talking to him. His personality is compatible with his. Every second with him sets him at ease. He feels this deep  _ yearning  _ to see him, to hug him. To  _ kiss  _ him.

He feels as if love should be scarier, less welcome. And every moment he fixates on it, sure, he’s terrified. 

But the feeling itself-- left alone-- is a kind of peace he’s never felt before.

It feels like he’s living for the first time.

\--

He doesn’t realize he’s having a panic attack until too late.

It’s an ungodly hour of the morning and he had been laying awake, reading through messages he sent Hajime, when he suddenly noticed the hitch in his breath. The way his body subconsciously pressed closer together. The way he feels a lot hotter, even though it’s freezing. The way that, even though he’s in bed, his mind is  _ spinning.  _

He’d been doing  _ so well,  _ why did this have to  _ happen,  _ isn’t he supposed to be okay nothing even triggered him why is he-

He can’t breathe. He can’t  _ breathe,  _

and, God, he doesn’t want to  _ do this,  _ but nobody else will listen, nobody would ever, so he-

_ 3:08 AM -  _ Hajine

_ 3:08 AM -  _ i cantr breathw

_ 3:09 AM -  _ im so ssoryr

_ 3:10 AM -  _ pleas dont be mad

_ 3:11 AM -  _ icant do this

Nagito’s hands are shaking too bad to continue holding the phone, so he sets it down beside him. He’s trying to breathe because if he doesn’t he’ll still be awake by 8 AM with a headache and puffy eyes. He wraps his sheets around him and looks out to the balcony. The sky is starry today, and he’d feel a lot better underneath it, 

but he can’t  _ move _ .

His hair keeps falling in his face, stinging his eyes as much as the tears are, and his scratchy throat is begging for him to stop letting out sobs that practically rip through his chest. He can’t stop, though. 

He can’t.

Why is he even crying? There isn’t a trigger, it is just  _ nothing  _ and it makes him feel so, so stupid, but he can’t  _ fix  _ it, he can’t stop it, he’s not strong enough, he wants someone to  _ hold  _ him, but nobody would, nobody is there, he-

_ 3:15 AM - Hajime Hinata - _ Shit do you want me to call you

Hajime’s here. His fingers tremble as he tries to type out a reply.

_ 3:16 AM -  _ its finw ahahaga i dont want to bothew yuo 

_ 3:16 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Jesus Christ I’m calling you

_ 3:16 AM -  _ nononono 

_ 3:16 AM -  _ i’m fine youre probabkt busyt 

_ 3:17 AM - Hajime Hinata  _ \- I’m literally watching my roommate play Animal Crossing. I’m free

_ 3:18 AM -  _ hwat ablout work??

_ 3:18 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ It’s Saturday 

_ 3:19 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Let me call you

_ 3:21 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Okay?

_ 3:23 AM -  _ okay

When the phone starts ringing, Nagito picks it up immediately. 

“... Hey?”

He’d describe Hajime’s voice as a warm tenor, smooth and comforting. His own voice, meanwhile, is riddled with choking and sobbing and he’s struggling to take in enough air to say,

“Hi.”

“Are you alright?” Hajime asks awkwardly, seeming to not know what to do in this situation.

Nagito isn’t exactly helping matters. “N-No.”

A bit of rustling. Hajime’s probably sitting down. “Well, I was going to pull an all nighter anyway, so talk me through it. Or if you don’t want to talk about it, I’ll, uh, stay up with you ‘til you sleep? Sorry, I’m shit at comforting people.”

“I-It’s fine, you d-don’t  _ have  _ to-“

“I want to help you.” It sounds so much more earnest over the phone and it makes Nagito sob harder. “Talk to me.”

“I c-can’t breathe,” he whispers. “I’m s-so scared, I-“

“Hey. Focus on your breathing right now. Count to four when you breathe in, hold for four, out for eight? I think that’s how it works?” 

Nagito nods, even though Hajime won’t see it, and he tries to follow his guidance. It takes around five minutes to get into the rhythm of it, and there are still hiccups in his breath, but he’s less dizzy by the end. Through it all, Hajime didn’t hang up.

When he can breathe somewhat-steadily again, he mumbles, “Thank you.”

“No problem. My roommate says hi, by the way.” Hajime laughs softly. It’s a wonderful sound. “She knows who you are cuz, y’know. You’re the single most interesting thing to happen to me. Anyway. Sorry. You were venting.”

Nagito doesn’t know how to handle that. He’d probably be talking about Hajime to his friends, too, if he had any.  _ Hajime thinks I’m interesting.  _ His words get caught in his throat again as he says, “Thank you. T-Tell her I say hi too.”

“Okay.” Nagito hears him move a bit away from the phone. “Chiaki? He says hi back.” Chiaki says something muffled and Hajime snorts. “Go back to selling turnips. Anyway. Sorry about that, Nagito.”

For a reason he can’t discern (but entirely related to his friend), he laughs. It’s scratchy and ugly— he hasn’t stopped crying— but it’s a laugh.

Hajime’s voice has a smile in it. “You have a nice laugh, y’know that?”

“I don’t,” Nagito immediately replies. “I… I appreciate y-you being nice to me, a-and you’re very s-smart and wonderful, but y-you’re wrong about m-me. I’m a h-horrible person. Nobody can s-stand to be around me. And I’m so, so l-lonely, but I’d never force a-anyone to be my friend, I-“ He lets out another sob. “I’m sorry-“

“Hey. Hey. You’re okay. Keep breathing, okay?” Hajime says gently. “I don’t know you in person. I’ve never actually seen you. But I’ve been talking to you daily for about a month, so I think my assumptions on your personality are probably accurate. I think you’re a really nice person— you comfort me a lot even if you don’t know it. You’re also really smart and funny in your own way. And I mean, I like talking to you. And I’m a picky person when it comes to making friends. So you can’t be all that bad.” His voice softens to a whisper when he adds, “I’m sorry you’re lonely, though. That sucks.”

“I’ve h-handled everything on my own for  _ s-so long, _ ” Nagito stares at the ceiling, starless. “But I’m so t-tired of being alone. E-Every person I m-meet, I hurt eventually.”

“We all hurt people around us, though.” Hajime argues. “Like, Chiaki’s my best friend, but I’ve hurt her. So like. That’s just how it is.”

“I irreversibly h-hurt people, H-Hajime. It d-doesn’t make us  _ stronger,  _ I just l-lose them forever.”

Hajime refutes again, “Loss happens. But you aren’t, like, some parasite. That’s not your fault.”

“ _ Yes it is! _ ” Nagito shouts, breaths uneven again. He can hardly hold the phone to his ear. “It’s  _ always  _ m-my fault. My p-parents, the m-maid, m-my guardian, t-the neighbors, m-my old friends. My fault. It’s a-always my fault! I c-can’t  _ do  _ this-“

“Nagito, stop. You’re hysterical.” Hajime says evenly. “I’m sorry you lost so many people. I’m so fucking sorry. But you’re lying to yourself if you think you were in control of that. The world, fate, God, whatever, is out for you. And that sucks. I wish I could, like, hug you or something. But I’m not able to. So I’ll stick to reminding you again and again that it isn’t your fault.”

Nagito gets out of bed slowly, opening the balcony door and stepping outside. It’s so unbearably cold, but he needs to  _ feel  _ that. His chest hurts from the freeze, but his tears slow eventually as he stares at the sky again. “Will I e-ever meet y-you?”

He seems a bit startled by the topic change, but he answers quickly, “I mean. Sure. I’m pretty convinced you aren’t going to kill me so. I guess like, any time you want.”

“Are you free t-tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

_ Japan is too large. You’ll never find him. You’re always going to be alone. _

“I… the park. With the river. Next to the cafe with c-cream colored paint and that f-fireplace in it? The s-skyscraper? N-Near the train station with the d-dog statue? P-Please tell me you’re there. P-Please, I-“ he feels tears fall down his face again as he shivers. “I have to m-meet you.”

More rustling. “Hold on, I’m bad at geography. I’m asking Chiaki.” The phone is held away again. “Hey, Chi, how far is the train station with the Hachikō statue? With a park with a river? And a cafe somewhere too? And also a skyscraper? Somewhere?” Nagito hears someone with a sleepy, high pitched voice speak. Then, it’s back to Hajime. “Thank God for you, Chi. We’re, like, twenty minutes away from there, Nagito. We’ll go tomorrow. When?”

“I-“ His heart is pounding. “T-Ten am?”

“Ten am.” 

Nagito starts sobbing harder than before, holding the speaker of the phone away so all Hajime would hear is muffled crying. He’s going to meet him. He’s going to meet the person who changed his life in only a month. So, so much could go wrong,

but it’d be worth it to see him.

“Nagito? Are you with me?”

“Yeah. S-Sorry.”

“You’re fine. Are you outside? I heard the wind.” A beat. “Fucking hell, Nagito, it’s frigid outside.”

“Yeah. I want to see the s-stars, though.”

“Oh? Are they pretty?”

“Mhm.”

“Hm. Do you know any constellations?”

“All of them,” he breathes.

“Damn. Okay. Tell me about them.”

Nagito starts rambling about them, accidentally losing himself in tangents about the Greek gods and mythologies, but Hajime just hums along and listens to him. He traces stars with his free hand and finds out that Hajime is a Capricorn. After what must have been thirty minutes, he eventually tires himself out and stops, letting Hajime talk.

He sounds incredulous. “Damn. You know a lot about stars and gods, huh?”

“Not about all of them,” Nagito refutes. “I only know a lot about Hestia, Hecate, Helios…”

“All of those start with H.”

“It’s my favorite letter.”

Hajime snorts. “Well conveniently, my name’s Hajime Hinata.”

“It’s a wonderful name.”

“Thank you. Chiaki thinks I’m basic.” Hajime laughs to himself. “Nagito Komaeda is a nice name too.”

“Really? I hate it.”

“Why?”

Nagito shrugs. “Probably because it’s my name.”

“Hm,” is all Hajime says to that. “Hey, are you feeling any better? You’re stuttering less.”

“Yeah. I think I’m good now. Tired.”

“I’d bet,” Hajime says softly. “Well, you should head to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Nagito stands up slowly, opening the door back to his bedroom and feeling the warm air rush over him. “Thank you so much, I don’t know how to repay you, I-”

“You’re fine. Don’t worry about it. You help me, I help you. That’s how these things work.” His voice is warm, almost fond. “Goodnight, Nagito.”

“Goodnight, Hajime.”

_ Click. _

He pretty much stumbles and falls into bed, still holding his phone in both hands. He resolves to lay on his side, cuddling with the cold device as he feels sleep overcome him, easier than it ever had in the past.

\--

His sleep is dreamless once again, luck on his side. He wakes up and lets out a sleepy yawn, immediately clicking open his phone. He reads through the missed messages:

_ 8:56 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Good morning

_ 8:56 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Today at 10 yeah?

_ 8:56 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Currently trying to wake up Chiaki. May take a couple hours

He giggles, typing a quick response.

_ 9:06 AM -  _ good morning!

_ 9:06 AM -  _ good luck waking her up ahaha!! i believe in u Hajime

He shuts off his phone briefly, launching himself out of bed and ruffling through his dresser. He usually doesn’t care much for dressing nicely, but he’s meeting the most important person in his life today. After searching for a long moment, getting more anxious by the minute, he finally decides on an outfit, quickly slipping it on and looking at himself in the mirror. 

He doesn’t look wonderful, but, considering it’s him, he never  _ would _ . Still, he looks the best he possibly could, and he prays that Hajime won’t find him disgusting. 

Speaking of him, he sees his phone light up.

_ 9:18 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Thanks. Hopefully your belief is enough

_ 9:21 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Nope she’s still asleep

_ 9:23 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Give me one sec

_ 9:23 AM -  _ okay !!

Nagito makes his way to the kitchen, deciding to make himself some cereal. He’s not that hungry-- the nerves from the upcoming meeting is draining away his appetite. When he looks in the fridge for milk, he frowns and notices that he ran out. He does a mental shrug.

He can handle dry cereal. 

As he’s eating the crunchy, dry Cheerios while sitting on the countertop, Hajime texts him again. 

_ 9:32 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Got her up

_ 9:33 AM -  _ yay!!

_ 9:33 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Thanks for your support

Nagito begins to type his next sentence, pausing at the end. He feels the urge to add a heart emoticon at the end, but he doesn’t want to scare Hajime off before they’ve even met.

Mutely, he deletes the heart.

_ 9:34 AM -  _ of course!!

He sighs.

_ 9:35 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ I’m so excited to meet you

He cheers up at that.

_ 9:35 AM -  _ i’m excited to meet you too!! ^-^

_ 9:35 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ You said you have white hair and green grey eyes, yeah

_ 9:35 AM -  _ mhm!!

_ 9:35 AM -  _ you have green eyes and brown hair, right?

_ 9:35 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Yeah

_ 9:35 AM -  _ okay!!!

_ 9:36 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Me and Chiaki are having breakfast, but lmk when you get to the place

_ 9:36 AM -  _ wait did we decide on a place to meet

_ 9:36 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Fuck you’re right

_ 9:36 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ You mentioned a park

_ 9:37 AM -  _ oh, yes!! it’s very pretty!!! 

_ 9:37 AM -  _ there’s a statue at the front, not Hachikō but a lion. i’ll stand next to it

_ 9:38 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Gotcha

_ 9:38 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ Gonna go eat

_ 9:38 AM - Hajime Hinata -  _ See you then, Nagito

_ 9:39 AM -  _ see you!!! ^.^

Nagito slips off the counter, washing his plate and slipping on a coat. It wouldn’t hurt to be early, even if it’s freezing outside. He pushes open the door, relishing in the click of the lock behind him,

and he sets off to the park.

\--

He gets to the park quicker than he expects.

When he looks at the phone, he realizes that he has fifteen minutes to spare before it’s time. He sits down on a bench next to a statue, fiddling with his phone as he watches the streets near him. There’s a lot of traffic at this hour, the loud noise causing him some distress, but he inhales the fresh scent of flowers lingering in the air and tries to distance himself from the cars.

His mind, itself, is filled with a different kind of noise-- ones he can’t escape with the help of flowers. 

He’s finally going to see Hajime, his closest friend and the only person he’s talked to in so, so long. He’s going to see him in person, maybe even get to hug him. It’s so exciting, and yet so unbelievably terrifying.

What if Hajime likes him less in person? What if Hajime finds him obnoxious? What if Hajime isn’t even real? What if Hajime never shows up, and Nagito will have to go home as a gullible fool? What if Hajime dies on his way here, what if he gets sick, what if he gets hurt-

Nagito takes in a deep breath. Hajime will be okay. Hajime  _ has  _ to be okay. This wouldn’t happen to Nagito, fate wouldn’t be so cruel to take him away from him, to take the only person he’s ever truly loved-

No. Fate could be that cruel. It has in the past and it will in the future.

_ Please, please don’t take Hajime away from me. _

He tries to ground himself. The feeling of the frigid bench and the keen wind, the smell of nature, the taste of mint toothpaste--

_ God, I don’t want Hajime to die. _

He stands up, shakily, thinking that the stability will help him. It doesn’t, and he actually feels like he might fall over with how it feels like everything is spinning, and then-

“Nagito?”

He turns around and looks up to see a girl, carrying a handheld gaming device, and… Hajime Hinata.

His tawny colored hair is spiky, from what Nagito can make out from under his knitted hat. His eyes are light green, but Nagito can see so many other hues reflected in them. He has a scarf wrapped around his neck and a beige coat that looks like it’s swallowing him. He’s around Nagito’s height, albeit a bit shorter, and his eyes are wide as he stares at him.

“Hajime,” Nagito says, barely audible, as if saying it louder would make it less real.

After a beat, Hajime smiles. It’s so contagious (and beautiful) that Nagito has to smile back. They continue staring at each other for longer than socially acceptable until Hajime coughs, his face turning red, “Uh. Hey.”

“Hi.”

“This is, uh, Chiaki.” He gestures to the girl standing beside him. 

She looks up long enough for Nagito to see her warm pink eyes. “Hey hey,” she greets before looking back down at her screen. She seems a little spacey, but her smile is comforting.

Hajime nods awkwardly. “Yep. That’s her. Anyway. Uh, you mentioned there was a cafe somewhere around here, yeah? Wanna eat there since it’s cold as fuck out here?” 

Nagito nods. “Mhm! Um, I’ll pay. As, y’know, thanks.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I wanted to meet you. So did Chiaki. She stopped playing Skyrim for this. Which means you’re already more important to her than I am.”

“He talks about you a lot,” she contributes. 

Hajime’s face resembles a cherry tomato. “Yeah! Uh! Cafe!”

“‘Indeed,” Nagito teases. 

“Shut up,” he mumbles, but he’s grinning. Nagito finds that the smile on his own face is a lot less sad than usual. 

“Well. Follow me. Please don’t get hit by a car.”

“Jesus Christ, that’s worrying.”

“Sorry!” His expression flickers. “I don’t know how to, um, interact with people. In person. So I’m kind of nervous, ahaha.”

Hajime’s smile softens. “You’re doing good. Don’t worry. You don’t have to impress me; you already did that a month ago.”

“Oh. Okay.” Nagito blushes and looks down at the snow covered ground. He starts walking towards the cafe, instinct carrying him as he hears Hajime and Chiaki walk beside him. He hums to himself, unsure how to start conversation but finding that the silence around him may not need to be broken. It’s peaceful, and for the first time in forever, Nagito feels  _ calm. _

He  _ does _ startle when, suddenly, Hajime intertwines his fingers with his. Nagito looks at the brunet, who shrugs, his face and ears pink. “You’re really pretty, y’know that?” Hajime manages to say, his face only getting darker red.

Nagito frantically replies, “You too! You’re, um, pretty! Prettier! Than me!”

“I think that’s impossible,” Hajime grumbles. “Cuz you’re. Really pretty.”

Nagito isn’t sure if this is how flirting is meant to go, but it’s not like anybody can judge him (except Chiaki, but she’s just smiling softly at her screen). “Yes but. You’re  _ hot,  _ Hajime!” Hajime chokes and starts coughing, and Nagito immediately panics. “Are you okay? Was I not supposed to say that? I’m sorry, I don’t know how to talk to people, I-”

“You’re fine, Nagito. I just… wasn’t expecting that.” 

Nagito’s about to start apologizing again for killing the mood, but Hajime leans over to kiss him on the cheek, and he doesn’t feel panicked anymore. 

He isn’t stressed or worried. He’s not lonely or sad. 

He’s… happy.

He doesn’t remember the last time he was happy. 

He could have gone his life never meeting Hajime, never having the reckless courage to reach out and type that exact number. He could have still had nothing, could still be sitting in that penthouse so  _ fucking  _ lonely-- but Hajime squeezes his hand again, blushing when Chiaki calls him a ‘disaster gay’, and Nagito doesn’t want to think about the hypotheticals.

“I’m not alone anymore,” he breathes, looking at the sky.

It isn’t starry yet, but for once, it isn’t judging him.

“You won’t ever be again,” Hajime replies,

and he thinks he might be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know anything about japan omg this isprobably so bad and also idk how do addd shit to this collection so hhhhHHH
> 
> ahem
> 
> this is my exchange fic for eco!!! you're the BEST you're so so sweet and SO funny and i don't talk to you ENOUGH which makes me sad but i love you so so much and i'm so proud of you and everything you do!!! i'm sorry it took me a whole week to edit this fic i finished it earlier but i just kinda. didn't look over it. i really hope it's good and you like it you deserve the very best ilysm
> 
> also just as a general note i probably will be posting ... not a lot for a little bit. mental health things + school stuff + writer's block. i'm really glad i got this fic up!! but i might go silent on here for like a week lol. we'll see
> 
> have a nice day :3


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